Do you struggle with dog training clients not following through or following up after consults, have unrealistic training expectations or want quick fixes to their dog’s problem behaviors? Professional dog training and behavior consulting can sometimes feel like a tug-of-war, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Conflict resolution isn’t just for corporate negotiations and boardrooms. It has an important place in positive reinforcement dog training that can take the push-pull out of client compliance. The two worlds of dog training and conflict resolution fit together and I’ll introduce some simple tools you can start using today for less struggle!
Conflict Resolution Journey
Before becoming a positive reinforcement trainer, I studied dispute and conflict resolution at a nearby university. I don’t like conflict and don’t seek it out. So, why did I choose to study it? Like you, I am a sum of my life experiences. As I reflect on my life, there are definitely moments I wish I could change. Most times, the ways we learn to handle difficult moments and conversations come from how others have modeled similar situations. We watch and consume information. This becomes our mental map for handling uncomfortable or contentious situations. Some of our adopted tools are helpful. Others aren’t. Why we choose to hold onto certain techniques and abandon others is individual. In my life, conflict almost always resembled a zero-sum game, where there would be a winner and a loser. At 50, I finally felt ready to learn new ways to explore and understand what happens in conflict and how to disagree without feeling pushed to defend myself or win.
Teaming Up & Course Correction
A week before starting my graduate program in Conflict Resolution (CRES), the sudden loss of my heart dog, Jake, would not only change the focus of my studies, but bring dogs into my conflict resolution work. Everything about this dog had stolen my heart. During one of the most difficult periods of my life, he was at my side leaning in without hesitation. He never fell short of being a solid emotional pillar for me when I needed him. As I studied for the graduate entrance exam, applied, interviewed and got accepted into graduate school, he was with me. We were a team. His presence gave me strength. As you can see in the picture, we even shook on it as we agreed on this next adventure together. A week before the start of classes, Jake was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. My grief was overwhelming and I considered withdrawing from the CRES program, then pivoted, determined to find a way for Jake to be present in my work. Unbeknownst to me, becoming a dog trainer was now on the horizon.
What is CRES?
Being human means conflict will be part of our lives. It’s simply unavoidable. CRES uses empathy and nonviolent communication to navigate difficult or contentious discussions without declaring a winner or loser. Knowing how to engage in authentic dialogue is central to problem solving and determining the common goals needed for successful collaborations.
Anyone can learn to be a better collaborative problem solver. Adding skills to your dog training communication toolbox can have many benefits over time.
CRES in Dog Training
When I began working with clients and their dogs, it was natural for me to weave CRES into every consultation. I thought I was late to the party and that these were skills every trainer before me was already using. It didn’t take long to realize that just the opposite was true.
We all entered this profession to help as many dogs as possible. No one ever said we needed an advanced psychology degree to be good at it. Despite our best efforts, many of us are left trying to figure out why people aren’t following through with our training advice or returning for more sessions. If we can’t genuinely reach the people, we won’t be able to help the dog. Many great trainers are working too hard with too much frustration around client buy-in. It’s time to address this communication gap and provide practical tools to change it.
Take CRES Dog Training Action!
Here are simple communication strategies I use every day. This is not an exhaustive list but a solid starting point. It may feel awkward at first. It’s not necessary to try all of them at once. Start with the first point and get comfortable with it, then layer in the next tool, and so on.
- Prioritize Safety & Suspend Judgment
- Avoid Diving Into Training Too Fast
- Start Listening & Ask Better Questions
- Validate
- Train & Adjust
1. Prioritize Safety & Suspend Judgment
Working with reactivity, aggression, anxiety or a mix of complex behavior problems can be tricky. We don’t always start with all the information we need. Sometimes critical information has been withheld. Resist judging clients who don’t provide all the facts upfront. Be sensitive to the criticisms and emotions that often barrage people whose dogs have behavior issues. There is likely a reason why information is missing in their intake form. If they feel judged from the start, you’ve already lost them. Begin by putting safety measures in place without judgment so they feel supported from the start.
Judgment is normal. Everyone does it several times a day. I’m great at it. Suspending judgment can be hard and requires effort to understand what triggers us and how to regulate those feelings.
2. Avoid Diving Into Training Too Fast
Often, training buy-in and compliance can feel like a tug-of-war. In reality, if we fail to make a genuine connection with our clients, we miss the opportunity to help the dog, which is why we’ve all come together in the first place.
The biggest misstep is putting the cart before the horse by overwhelming clients with too much science, data, and training philosophy too soon. As David McRaney explains in his book, “How Minds Change,” giving too much data and science actually pushes people away instead of drawing them in. More importantly, people should feel free to reject your training philosophy. In the same fashion that dogs who are given a choice begin to thrive in training, the same is true for people.
Giving too much data and science actually pushes people away instead of drawing them in.
Attitudes shift when people are given the chance to express their feelings and fears without worrying that they are going to have to defend their position. This is the time to start listening. If they’ve never tried R+ training but have leaned in enough to book a consult or training session with us, then let’s give them the grace of not trying to change their minds but instead trying to understand where they’re coming from. I assure you, this is where buy-in starts.
3. Start Listening & Asking Better Questions
Initiate every consult, whether it’s your first meeting or your 15th, from a genuine place of curiosity. Instead of asking how they are, ask questions that tap into their feelings and experiences with their dog.
- What do they love about their dog?
- What did they want from a dog vs the dog they got?
- What are they most concerned about and why?
- What’s working, what’s not working and why?
- What role does each person in the family play in the dog’s care and training?
- Ask them to say more about things they’ve said.
Get to know their history and validate their experiences absent of any judgment. This confirms you are engaged and want them to be part of the solution.
Their answers will tell you what’s important to them, which is necessary for deciding how to collaborate with them. “Looping,” for confirmation, is a commonly used technique in psychology to confirm what’s been said. People need to know that you’re engaged and can rephrase what you’ve heard them say in your own words. Avoid using more mechanical language such as, “what I think I hear you saying is,” because it lacks sincerity. Be authentic and wait for confirmation from them that you got it right. This builds trust and credibility with them.
4. Validate Clients
As you go through the steps above, it’s important to validate and support their experiences. As the expert in the room, they are looking to you for this. This creates a space where they can feel safe with their feelings, experiences, embarrassment, and guilt. Feel free to share with them an experience of your own they might connect with.
People don’t know what they don’t know and are doing their best with the information they have. The internet is fraught with bad advice, and they may have tried aversive training methods before coming to you. Listen and validate their feelings and experiences. Trust me, it will earn you trustworthiness.
5. Train & Adjust
Now that you’ve allowed the above steps to occur, you can decide how you will make decisions together with your clients, establish training goals and start training. You’ve shown interest and investment in their experiences along with establishing the start of a genuine connection.
At their next session (yep, they’ll likely come back), remember to be curious so that appropriate training adjustments can be made together as a team. Starting with these simple changes in how you talk with your clients can deepen trust, which can keep them coming back over time. Clients will return, our relationship with them can develop, and in turn influence training outcomes. Not every trainer-client relationship will be easy, but making these simple shifts to start an open conversation can significantly impact how you will work together as a team to help the dog.
What About Empathy?
Empathy is a big topic and one that deserves its own article. I’ve not mentioned it here but it is woven into the fabric of everything discussed here. If you remain curious with the intention of providing space for understanding, empathy is there.
More to Come
Conflict resolution belongs in our profession. Achieving client buy-in doesn’t have to be an adversarial tug-of-war. By borrowing from the conflict resolution playbook, we can welcome our clients as training partners, support them through behavior change, increase client compliance, keep them coming back for more, and best of all … WE CAN HELP MORE DOGS!
If you want to learn more, I’ll be presenting on handling difficult trainer-client conversations at the 2024 Aggression in Dogs Conference. Join me as I explore how to improve our trainer-client communication skills. There will be something for everyone no matter where you are in your training journey. I hope to see you there!
Carmaleta Aufderheide
Carmaleta (Carm) Aufderheide (KPA-CTP, CTDP-KA, CSAT, MS-CRES) is a certified positive reinforcement trainer in Springfield, Oregon. Working with complicated behavior problems was a large part of her training services until 2021, when she earned her credentials as a Certified Separation Anxiety Trainer (CSAT) and shifted her professional focus to helping dogs who panic with alone time and the families who love them. In addition to her interest in canine behavior, she holds a master's degree in Conflict Resolution (CRES), which informs her training and consultation services to establish strong client relationships and improve training outcomes. She specializes in using conversation skills to navigate difficult dialogues with clients and other training professionals. You can learn more about Carm on her website, www.northstartraining.info.
