Custody, Canines, and Care: Navigating Dog Behavior Challenges During Divorce

Life events, like divorce, can significantly impact a dog’s behavior, both in the short and long term. While clients may not initially think it’s relevant, or may hesitate to share such personal information, it’s important to gently inquire about any recent significant changes in their personal relationships when taking a case history. Divorce, the ending of a long-term relationship, and the surrounding family changes can be important pieces of the puzzle when decoding the origins of a dog’s behavior. Even though it might seem outside the scope of a typical behavior case, being aware of major household changes can provide valuable clues to understanding shifts in a dog’s behavior.

This article will provide guidance for professionals working with people going through divorce, highlighting common scenarios to watch for and suggesting behavior solutions that are sensitive to the broader family context.

My journey into the world of pet custody and behavior began after repeatedly working with  dogs were experiencing behavior challenges directly linked to the circumstances surrounding their divorce – either the stress of the divorce itself or the custody plan that was implemented without fully considering the dog’s well-being or best interests. I now specialize in this area, working both as a mediator to help people create responsible custody plans for their pets and as a CDBC providing behavioral support.

There’s a certain level of intimacy that’s required to help clients struggling with challenging dog behavior. While we may not always be prepared for it, those of us working with challenging behavior cases, especially aggression, may find ourselves being confided in with sensitive or uncomfortable family information related to the behavior. Personally, I was not prepared the first time a toddler announced that “Daddy kicks the puppy” or when someone quietly told me they were sharing a bedroom with their toddler until they could move out into their own place. These moments, while uncomfortable, create a priceless opportunity to build trust with a client if they don’t feel judged. My experience has taught me that the more difficult it is to connect with a client initially, the deeper the underlying issue may be, and there is likely an emotional situation hidden beneath the surface that needs to be acknowledged and understood before we can move forward with helping them and their dog.

The power of a pause

My usual approach is to take a thorough case history, asking all the questions I believe are pertinent to the dog. Then, I pause and ask if there’s anything else they think might be relevant. Often, people initially respond, ‘No, nothing else.’ However, if I maintain a comfortable silence for a while longer, I often hear a sentence that begins with, ‘Well, there is this one other thing, but I don’t know if it’s relevant…’ That ‘other thing’ could be anything from a personal childhood experience (I was bitten by a dog, or, my dog was attacked by another dog when I was small), to an unspoken family dynamic (mom said we must put the dog down if this doesn’t work) to the ending of a relationship.

Regarding relationships ending for couples with dogs, it’s worth noting that approximately 43% of marriages that end in divorce have a dog in the picture. And we shouldn’t forget about long-term relationships outside of marriage, which account for more than half of committed partnerships. Thousands of dogs in the USA alone live in a home whose guardians will separate each year, and there are many ways we can help those dogs and owners to minimize the stress and upheaval.

Alex and Milo

Alex, a ten-year-old boy, was bitten by Milo, his small four-year-old terrier crossbreed. The incident happened when Alex was trying to pick Milo up to put him in the car for their weekly transfer to his dad’s house. The single bite, a Level 2 on the Dunbar scale, was on Alex’s cheek. While this was the first bite incident, in getting the background story, it was clear that Milo was displaying stressed behavior when it was time to travel to the other parent’s home each week. For trips to the park, Milo would happily jump into the car, but when Alex would gather his things into his special backpack that he used when going to his other parent’s home, Milo started hiding in the bathroom or under the coffee table. He would freeze, turn his head to the side, and run farther away if he could. Alex’s parents focus was on Alex during transition times, and they had missed Milo’s body language indicating his reluctance to get into the car. It became Alex’s responsibility to find Milo in his hiding spot, pick him up, and carry him to the car. In the car, Alex would hug Milo tightly for the entire trip and was often emotional and anxious himself. It was during one of these car trips that Milo bit Alex on his cheek, leading his family to reach out for a behavior consultation.

Claire, Daniel and Daisy

Claire noticed a troubling change in her two-year-old Red Heeler, Daisy. Once an outgoing and social girl, Daisy had begun sometimes ignoring her dog friends, then started snapping at other dogs at the park to the point where she had started to become aggressive when they would continually solicit play. Claire was troubled because all of Daisy’s regular friends at the park were now scared of her, and she didn’t feel it was safe to take her there to play anymore. She could not understand why Daisy was suddenly aggressive to other dogs. A vet check revealed no physical issues, leading Claire to seek professional help.

During our session, we explored the timeline of Daisy’s change in behavior and discovered a significant connection: the aggressive behavior was only present in the few days after visits with Claire’s ex-partner, Daniel. Daniel had moved out of Claire’s home after their recent breakup, and a handful of times in the last month Daniel had spent the afternoon with Daisy at the park playing frisbee. He would start these visits by hiding in the bushes at the park to surprise Daisy who was, of course, over the moon with excitement at seeing Daniel appear out of nowhere. It became evident that in the days after those visits, Daisy was preoccupied with searching for Daniel, scanning the horizon, running the fence line and air scenting, leading her to snap at dogs attempting to engage with her.

Both Daisy and Milo exhibited aggression linked factors of their families going through a divorce or separation. They were struggling to adapt to the new routines and needed better management strategies.

Behavior recommendations

In Milo’s case, and in other similar situations involving children, I had to discuss with the parents the reality that moving between homes might not be sustainable for Milo. In hindsight it was obvious to them that Milo had not been happy about moving between the houses, but they had been more focused on trying to help Alex adjust to his new life with divorced parents and were too overwhelmed to give Milo the attention he needed. They understood the bite on the cheek could have been avoided if Milo’s signals were acknowledged sooner. While everyone involved liked the idea of Milo being Alex’s friend and comfort no matter which home he was at, keeping Alex safe and Milo’s well-being were more important. In our consultation we developed a behavior plan, agreeing that if Milo wasn’t fully relaxed during transitions after two months of implementation, he would live full-time at the mother’s house. The parents came to understand that Milo’s nip at Alex was likely a result of Milo giving signals for space that were not heeded when Alex was picking him up to get in the car.

Milo was only uncomfortable in the period right before and after Alex would go to the other parent’s home. After a day or so he was his normal happy-go-lucky self, choosing to snuggle with Alex on the couch and in bed.

To make the transitions easier for Milo the following behavior plan was implemented (and can be adapted for other families and children):

*   Milo would travel in a comfortable crate in the car at all times, regardless of the destination. The crate would be stocked with high value chews.

* He would first go on a short walk on a leash around the block and at the end of the walk one of the parents would put Milo in the crate in the car.

*   Alex was not allowed to pick him up or hug him before or after moving to the other parent’s home.

*   Upon arriving at the other parent’s home, Milo would be taken for a walk to re-orient himself, stretch his legs, and settle down. This walk also allowed Alex to process his own emotions related to saying goodbye to the other parent.

*   At the house, Alex was instructed to ignore Milo until Milo initiated interaction. Rather than Alex hoping Milo would want to snuggle, he was encouraged to play with toys.

* Anytime Milo was avoiding interaction, or choosing to hide he would be left alone and the parent would take note of the surrounding situations to notice any patterns of stress.

Eventually, Milo settled into this new routine and was happy to hop into his crate and did not avoid the events leading up to it. Being given space from an emotional Alex was enough for Milo to feel safe and happy again in his homes.  In Milo’s case, it was clear his stress was around the hugging and emotional upheaval from Alex. With good management and boundaries for him, Milo relaxed. However, this isn’t always the case. Parents often acquire a dog during a divorce for their children to provide some comfort or distraction during a hard time, but these dogs may not have the temperament to be happy living in two homes. It’s important for parents to understand that success isn’t guaranteed and to have a realistic Plan B ready, i.e. living with one parent, or sometimes a grandparent, if they are not the sort of dog who is easy going and happy to bounce between houses.

Helping guardians understand these sorts of situations from the dog’s point of view and put in better management plans can reduce the stress that can lead to aggression directed at people or dogs. Daisy was hyper focused hoping to find Daniel and her focus to catch a scent of him or see him beyond the fence would make her snap at other dogs as they tried to engage with her. We managed her behavior by creating clear setting events and clues for her when she was due for a visit with Daniel. One, Daisy got a leather collar that she had not worn before and was different to her normal nylon one, this became her first clue that she was going to visit Daniel. Secondly, both Claire and Daniel agreed on a new park to do the visits with Daisy. This was a park she was not familiar with and would only visit when she was due to visit Daniel. In this way, Daisy was able to reliably predict when she would see Daniel, which in time, allowed her to relax and her regular dog park and engage in her normal friendly way. Daniel would be clearly visible and walk calmly into the park, not hide for a surprise reunion.

Here are some other suggestions for your clients if they are visiting their ex’s dog:

Keep visits as calm as possible. Of course, dogs get adorably hysterical when reunited with someone they love but haven’t seen in a while. It doesn’t do dogs any favors to hype them up even more; it can make the departure from that person even more of a letdown. Don’t be the most exciting person in the world during a visit. Keep things simple, take them for a walk, enjoy your time together, but don’t create a more manic environment.

There must be an agreement for no surprise visits at the house, and, if at all possible, no pick-ups from the house in general. The reason for this is dogs may start waiting at the door or listening for the footsteps that might lead to the excitement of a visit from that other special person.

Ideally, visits should happen at a neutral place, like Claire and Daniel agreed to, that the dog will only go to see their special person. Or, for people who do not want to see their ex at all, a dog walker or dog taxi service can be a smart option to bring the dog for the visit.

Creating clear clues and predictable setting events will help dogs to know when a visit is happening. In the same way my dog knows we are doing scent trailing work when he puts on “that” harness, people can use specific collars or harness that the dog can distinguish as indicating a visit with that special person is imminent. The flip side of course, is that without that harness they can be calm knowing it is not the time.

For example, other clients of mine wanted to figure out a way for Paula, Georgia’s ex, to be able to pick up their two Pointers and take them for runs twice a week. Prior to separation, Paula ran the dogs every Tuesday and Thursday evening, in addition to their morning walks with Georgia. Both Georgia and Paula wanted to keep that routine going, even though they were no longer in a relationship. The challenge was, every evening the dogs started becoming unsettled, pacing and panting in anticipation of a possible run with Paula which was driving Georgia a bit nuts. We fixed this by buying the dogs two new running harnesses. Georgia would only put those harnesses on a half an hour or so before Paula would come to pick up the dogs. The dogs were allowed to play from joyful anticipation for the runs on “harness day” and came to understand that if there were no harness they might as well settle into the evening rather than wait for a run that wasn’t going to happen.

Addressing behavioral issues in dogs whose families are undergoing separation requires a multifaceted approach. By acknowledging the emotional undercurrents affecting both the dog and their guardians, creating predictable routines and setting events, and carefully managing interactions, we can help these animals navigate a difficult transition with less stress and anxiety. Ultimately, our goal as professionals is to advocate for the dog’s well-being while supporting the humans involved, ensuring that everyone can adapt to their new circumstances in a healthy and sustainable way.